I have had one of those months. One where I feel unbalanced in my personal life to the point of I am not happy with the house (too small and why does it ALWAYS seem so dirty?!) not happy with the kids (seriously, there are four other babies in the ward, why is mine the ONLY one who screams all through church?!), myself (when did all my clothes get so tight? When did the bottom get so big and the top get so small?!), health (diabetes sucks rocks - it affects EVERYTHING!), furniture (screw being out of debt, let's go get matching bedroom sets then maybe my clothes that don't fit me will fit somewhere!), etc. etc. etc.
During this time I went to get my hair colored. I did my normal color then put purple streaks in it because I'm 33 and have never had purple hair. I tried to get pictures but they didn't turn out well. Can't really see the purple.
For the next part of the story, I met up with my roommates from college on Facebook. We haven't really talked for years and haven't seen each other for at least 15 years (feeling old...). So we reconnected on Facebook and decided to meet in Vegas in June. Suddenly it was June! I was a little nervous - and really I don't know why. Stupid girl thing, I'm sure. Probably because I felt super inadequate in those days and although I've changed at least 4 lifetime size changes since then I tend to revert to whom I once was. To continue on, we had a great time. It was fantastic to see them and see what the years and children, sadness and happiness and just life in general has turned them into. We laughed about old times, talked about new times and stayed up too late and still got up too early. It was so fun and I hope we can do it again next year.
Having said that, it didn't help the "nothing is good enough" fix I was in. I saw all their big beautiful houses and my house became even smaller. Not only that but it seemed to matter SO MUCH!
Then I got an email from my very first friend in Kindergarten. Back before objects mattered or image mattered or what I looked like mattered. She is going through a hard time. No, that is not the right word. She has gone through hell and back and her story is tragic and unfair, but it pulled me back from my selfish spinning. How grateful I am suddenly. How grateful I am to have what I do have. To have my four healthy kids and a husband whom I adore and who adores me. For health, the gospel, for the beautiful place we live. For family far and wide who understand and love us. For the past - for whom I've become. For the future - for the potential I have to see who my kids become. To have a healthy body. To have friends, even friends as far back as Kindergarten!
I cried and laughed as I read her email. Cried with her in her pain and laughed because she is still the friend I remember. She still is full of hope and love.
Thank you for the perspective you've put back into my life, Steph. You are still there for me after all these years changing my life for good.
I am grateful. I am thankful. I am content. I am happy. It is enough.
